Sunday, June 24, 2018

Welcome to my Home as a Single Parent


Please respect our house rules:

1.       Reserve any and every judgement and expect the unexpected prior to entering my home.

2.       Remove shoes at your own risk. I advise heavily to keep your shoes on.

3.       Wear strong perfume or cologne to distract yourself from the variety of aversive odors that will impale you the moment you walk in.

4.       Do not provoke my teenagers – they WILL bite you.

5.       Do not get overly-friendly with the cat and dog. They are virgin males, and very possessive and territorial – If they deem you a friend, they WILL pee on your things and they WILL hump you.

6.       You are not a guest in my home. Make it your own and make yourself comfortable and help yourself to whatever you need. Just know that everything is probably broken and/or expired.

7.       If you’re hungry, the can opener and the microwave are NOT broken … yet. But you probably won’t find any clean dishes.

8.       If you’re thirsty, feel free to drink directly from the container.

9.       If you’re worried about germs, you probably shouldn’t be in my house.

10.   Absolutely DO NOT use the toilet before checking to make sure there’s toilet paper first.

11.   The livingroom is our very own efficiency apartment where we sleep, eat, dress, and play. The rest of the house is my office. The kitchen table is not for eating on. That’s what the queen-sized mattress in the livingroom is for.

12.   If you’re expecting a Betty Crocker-type motherly-figure, you may find her prepackaged in the dessert cupboard.

13.   My family takes a naturalistic approach to living, so expect that all of us will probably be mostly naked. (And our washer’s broken).

14.   We are also one with nature, so our home and property is a respite home for all of God’s creatures, such as rabbits, mice, spiders, insects, deer, turkeys, and other stray animals.

15.   If you think my house is messy, you haven’t seen messy.

16.   Don’t feel obligated to contribute to my “Help-my-home-I’m-friggin’-broke-just-like-everything-else-in-my-house” donation jar. Just feel bad for me and be generous and I’ll give you a signed copy of one of my books in exchange, whether you want it or not. 
Next up: Single Parenting from the beginning … and the complications of woo-hoo!

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